Wish I Were

Poetry by Smritti Sridhar
Photo by Gabriel Matula

wish I were her.
wish I were that girl
who'd walk in effortlessly
and smile at you sweetly before slowly stealing your spotlight
she doesn't want to
but she does it anyways
it hurts you the most when she comes back to you and acknowledges your presence, but
doesn't care when you're gone
that’s the truth I have to surrender to, my unnoticed absence.

wish I were him.
wish I were that boy
who doesn't have to try
to be that perfect, he only knows to deny.
he'd sweat in 7 am sunlight and smell like fresh grass in class
he'd bring the outdoors to the indoors and yet he'd fit in alright

I wish I were myself,
except for all the imperfections I have
in saying that, yes, I am aware that my imperfections shape me
I wish they spelled “I’m perfection” but I’m missing more than just an apostrophe
I crave a calypso hourglass but all I am is a human catastrophe
oh I often romanticize the part of me that's telling me to move on
by disobeying it
in my head I jest as I evoke genuine acceptance
in front of the mirror I evade my reality with juxtaposed insolence

wish I were them.
the happy ones.
the seemingly happy ones.
at least they know how to put on a happy face.

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